Sad day, frustrating day. Time now for me to sit, listen to music, and write. But I can’t just write, write for myself. (Oh I have Pandora on and Jenny Lewis “It wasn’t me” just came on – its a sign). Anyway, I just like writing if it is to someone. One thing I am feeling is that what I am making is stupid and lame and will ever be any good because I am not smart enough or spend enough time on it. Aline – Regina Specktor just came on. I am starting to feel better just as I begin to cry. Why? Maybe emotions are rising to the surface and that feels better then the alternatives. I feel sad and sorry for myself. Exiting the bus at 8pm tonight it hit me or rather washed over me and I immediately wished for comfort, but who is there? just me and the pavement and the cold feeling sorry. What to do?

How do you self-sooth?

I’m no good at it. The easiest thing for me is to think of the other sad things and allow more waves to wash over me. pity party. Now Jenny Lewis is signing about the slow fade of love. Wow, this human bone creature lives for love, but Whitney Houston was right about the greatest love of all. self-love. and I think a lot of my sorriness stems from not actively loving myself enough. Looking at what has upset me is rooted in self-effacing habits and behaviors. Now Elliot Smith is singing – there is a sad someone, so sad he gave up life. I may be weak but I’m not givin’ in!

How to self-sooth:

listen to music
keep light low
write a letter to your friends
cry a little
hope will soon begin to present itself and your disposition will shift to a more optimistic perspective

I smile to think of you helping someone in Nordstroms while wearing heels, or breathing in thoughtfully before laying your hands on me, and how sometimes you hate people and I can relate because sometimes, I seem to like it better when they’re not around. I love to think about when you say “that’s horse shit”, and “mushie” and “I’m Sorry!!!” Reflecting on the amazing pictures we’ve taken I see how much you teach me. and you comfort me. thank you.

How to self-sooth:

instead of thinking about what and who I’ve lost

think about you.

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